One of the most demanding- and often draining- elements of a senior or pastoral leaders’ role are the meetings with parents, carers or families that challenge us[1]. Many of whom have long been bounced around “the system”, picking up frustrations and misconceptions along the way, before turning up at the SENDCos office. The SENDCo, that mythical gatekeeper of all the resources, that will fix all of the problems. Whilst I’m being a little hyperbolic with my language, this a reality for many of the SENDCos I work with.
It is rarely possible or even desirable for the SENDCO to try to fix these problems and certainly not to try and do so alone. In my previous blog on supporting SENDCo, I talk about the importance of providing a ‘buffer’ for SENDCos, to allowing there to a be a perception amongst staff and parents that they can do and fix everything. Without this careful holding and handling, a cycle of escalating complaints can easily begin. Whereby the SENDCo is expected to do too much, and sometimes overpromises. These complaints compound an already challenging role, providing additional stress, work and sometimes leading to defensive practices that actually detract from the core strategic role of improving outcomes for all young people with SEND.
What I see as a coach and consultant is borne out by the data nationally. In one way or another, families aren’t getting what they need and they’re making a fuss about it, in particular when it comes to SEND. In 2022-23 complaints to Ofsted were up by 25% 2023-24 complaints to the LA ombudsman were up by 26% most of these relating to SEND. SEND Tribunals saw a 78% increase in receipts in the same year.
Despite this climate, there is plenty we can do to avoid getting to the point of complaints and tribunals. Of course, putting in place excellent SEND provision is the ideal but what if you’re not at that stage? What if you are in the process of turning around provision. Sustainable and strategic change takes time and if you’re a SENDCo who’s inherited a challenging situation you will likely have inherited a set frustrated and impatient parent and carers.
There is a simple shift you can make, which is the closest I’ve ever come to a silver bullet. It involves a shift in a leaders’ way of being, from defending to listening mode. This shift, when fully lived not only makes meetings easier, it actually makes them much more effective.
I find this hard to describe without sounding paternalistic, but sometimes it’s the act of being heard rather than the issue itself that is key for families. In therapy speak this is called ‘holding a container’. The way you make families feel, like you are alongside them, as well as what you say really matters.
Of course, it is really important to listen to the substance too and this it must come hand in hand with action (the wider systemic and inclusive work outlined in this series). The last thing we want to be come is leaders who dole out platitudes and make families feel good without securing and long-term change for their children. If we do that the frustration will come back ten-fold. However, feeling heard matters more than we might realise. We certainly don’t think we talk about it enough. The corollary of this approach is that through actively listening to families, we also gain a better understand of their situation. Too often we pay lip service to stakeholder engagement. Truly listening pays dividends. We get a full set of data, which gives us context and helps us anticipate problems further down the line.
I hope I do not seem patronising. There will be some leaders out there who listen naturally and brilliantly but the business and compliance culture of schools often works against this. True listening is an art and it can take some learning to do it well.
In 2020, I had access to supervision with the charity OpenMind.Ed and it changed my practice. Founded by an inimitable psychiatrist, the work they do is rooted in systemic practice. Working with them, first in my own supervision and later as an associate helped me to pay attention to my felt experience[2], as much as the words I say, in challenging situations. In doing this saw significant shifts in my working relationships, with families, pupils and colleagues. Situations that were once laced with tension were suddenly diffused.
This led me to seek out the discipline of neuro-biology, in order to understand why this is happens. In this post on interoception I explain more, but it in practice it is this. By being more present (aware), in and of your own body you are able to notice its signals. And, if you find your stress response is being activated, through calming practices, like breathing, you are able cue safety your own nervous system. This supports you to feel calm but importantly it also supports those around you. Even if we’re not outwardly stressed, in difficult meetings our body can cue all sorts of signals that activate stress in others (through something called mirror neurones). When we are calm and comfortable, we signal physiologically that we are not a threat to others. This, self-aware approach also keeps us resilient as leaders, as it also works the other way. It protects us from taking on the feelings of others, leading to an escalation of our own stress.
Being present; active listening and being calm in your own body. It is really that simple. That and taking responsibility genuinely where necessary and doing what you say you will (don’t over promise, take notes, follow up).
As a coach we sometimes role play this[3] but the best way you can prepare is by starting to take notice of your own body and state of emotional regulation..
[1] I use this phrase as opposed to ‘challenging families or parents’ because it doesn’t locate the problem in the individual or family whilst also acknowledging the difficult emotional work that school leaders do.
[2] The feeling in my body, particularly information from my muscles and key organs (heart, lungs and stomach).
[3] I wrote recently about supporting leaders to have difficult conversations with underperforming staff, the core message of which was central to my 2022 book Leading Mindfully for Healthy and Successful Schools
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